Yoday is our six month anniversary.

And even though I had to wake up at 5 in the morning and work for eight and half hours, I'm still in a good mood because today is a special day!

Half a year thats crazy. Such a long time, it doesn't even seem that long!

I have to go get ready for Jimmys.
blah

and omg i opened up the dryer today and found THREE pairs of underwear that have been missing FOREVER AHH!

And i'm wearing one of them it makes me happy.

Siobhan got a phone its like the best thing thats ever happened to me.
I'm going to0 go text her now...
Just because I can. mwuhahahahahahahha!

Matt Gaw is still the love of my life.

Things are so great now that I fight back!

I hope we hang out tomorrow with Meghan Poumakisssss!

ahhh!

I love the video chat ability we all have.

I shall sleep well tonight. I hope.

So I was woken up today by vicki.
It was so early! But we both had to go.
Breakfast was nice, we went to ihop.

I was supposed to go to Brandons birthday party today but I went to Dartmouth with Winter Percussion instead. Overall, it was a confusing day.

I was so glad that I got to see Siobhan and Meghan though. More than anything. Dartmouth was cool, the bus rides were a little lame but Siobhan kept me entertained, along with Derek and Jake haha singing in the back of the bus like weirdos.

Tomorrow is the parade (die!) and then THE POWER OF EIGHT bass thing for the spring concert. Then Brandons house for his birthday.

I am so tired, today was long and stressful actually. I drove Adrian home and like...we talked...and it was weird. I really care about him, and he really cares about me. More than I thought he did I guess... It just made for some awkward conversation until we got over it. blah.

I'm so overtired. Last night at Vickis was draining, but Dinner with Brandon was nice. and then TODay holy crap was too long and tiring but at least there was Siobhan.

I'm cold and tired and I really just want to curl up in my own bed and not wake up forever.

I just sneezed and it felt nice.

I think I'm getting strep for real. Third time in two months what is going onnn my body hates me.

sleepsleepsleepsleep

and so as not to end this on a bad note. Andy and I had the funniest conversation today lolol sometimes it's nice to know that we're close. I miss him.

mmm yeah.

Today I have nothing to say.
I don't have a specific emotion to fuel my words.

My day was the same as it always is, uneventful.
First block was nice. funny. planning for the dating show. I got thrown under the bus in the casting department, as usual. So I am now the nerdy girl who can't get a date, and I'm on the show LOWERED EXPECTATIONS. o0o0o0o0o sounds good doesn't it.

Second block was Algebra. ..

Third block was comp and the presentation was nerve racking. At lunch I got the parking pass for tomorrow. then went back to my class early blahhh

Spanish was a fire drill. and So Me, Erin, Paul, Brandon, Alexa, Rose, Kathryn, and Matt Ddddddddddddddd ate food in a circle and talked. Spanish itself was a joke. We just played games.

Jimmy drove me home and we were both in weird moods sop there was little conversation and a lot of silence, which is very uncommon. Like I think it was the first time that has happened.

I got home and watched like four episodes of Criminal Minds that piled up on my DVR. I stuffed myself with gross unhealthy foo, and now I'm watching life with Derek.

I've been praying for a day to myself and now I feel fucked because I have nothing to do.

I never win.

FUCK
FUCK
JUST FUCK

Why the fuck do I keep going back why does this shit matter why can't I forget why can't I move on and get over this SHIT that won't let me get back on my feet.

Why can;t I get back on my feet
Why is there so much happening I just don't want this anymore

I just want to sleep
I want to sleep until summer and just lay outside in the grass and write and read and laugh with Siobhan and have deep conversation with Meghan and just be who I want to be and be happy and just

have nothing to worry about.

That's all I do anymore, worry. about everyone and everything but myself.
And that needs to stop.

I don't want to care anymore.
I don't want to need anyone but myself.

Today I woke up, and called my best friend Siobhan. We talked, and we both made muffins on the phone together and it made me really happy. Becasue i know shes not a phone person, and yet i talk to her on the phone the most, and the longest, out of anybody.

Then I took a nice shower, and walked around my house naked! well, ha;f naked. I don't usually like being fully naked even when people aren't home. Haaa.

Then I did some little chores, cleaned up my muffin mess, did a load of laundry, let the dog out, got into some comfy pjs and the higest sweatshirt, and headed over the Brandons.

I got there, and we watched THE worst movie, but it was cool, becasue we laughed and made fun of it, and kissed, and were just cool being there. and we ate SO MUCH POPCORN like holy shit. His mom made us tacos, we watched another movie, lord of the rings! and just spent all day together. We then had crumb cake, and watched some american idol with his parents before heading downstairs and watching HORRIBLE tv shows together. Then I left.

I came home, and sat downstairs with Olivia and Ashley, watching quarantine. Scary shit! I left to talk to Erin, she's on vacation somewhere.

And today was a perfect day. Absolutely perfect. No mad parents, talked to my best friends, spent all day with my boyfriend, came home, chilled a little with the family, nicenicenice.

And tomorrow I egt to hang out with Siobhan and Meghan! And have a chill day finally with them FINALLY. thanl god and just. i'm really happy with my life right now.

Really happy.

I'm at brandons right now
Sitting on his pool table doing some homework you know
and He is behind me.

And I really care about him like, a lot.
I', really happy about this relationship.
There's no pressure or anything yay.


This weekend was good and bad.
Siobhan and Erin and Nick Letizio!
Not in that order haha

It was fun.

I saw Meghan today in the hall and got to talk to her and I miss her.
Or if shes going to read this then I miss YOU. Thank you for talking to me I'm really glad that we did woooo.

Nick Letizio and I have been talking a lot lately it's mad chill.


Ok I'm going to go do homework and mack on my boyfriend bye.

I actually feel really ridiculously bad for asking you for gas money =/

I'm sorry!

I'm not sure if things are looking up, or looking down.
There's a lot of stress lately. Too much in my opinion. Just to do well, do the right thing, be independent, get good grades, get a job, get into college (that's a huge one) and really just be a good kid. And it's scary. My parents are done treating me like a kid, which is good and bad. I mean, I'm almost 18 so it's expected.

But I'm scared.

And honestly I think I'm a lot less mature then I should be at this age. Or a lot less independent. Definitely not as motivated as I should be... And I don't like having to do so much on my own. As much as I wanna be able to say "I'm almost 18! I can stay out this late, go to this place, hang out with this crowd, drive this far away." BUT when it comes do doing things like deciding my future, getting a job, even calling to make myself an appontment somewhere, I want help. I don't want to do it on my own. I don't really want to grow up and be responsible but of coarse at the same time I do.

Growing up really makes me nervous.

I am really happy with my life.
And I'm good knowing that I don't need a lot of people.
I used to try and be friends with everyone and I always felt like I was missing someone or something when in reality I have always had what I needed to be content, I just never took advantage of it.

I don't need five million friends.
I'm good with a few.

I'm content knowing that there is one person that knows everything about me, and two people that know soooort of everything about me, and one person that knows half of me at least but we're gettin' there. and overall four people that really know me.

And three people that I really really really care about.

But still, in that equation, is there only one of them that I need?
Sometimes I feel bad when I think the answer to that is yes.

Sometimes I feel bad knowing that I would throw away three to save one.
Does that make me a horrible person?

Is caring more about one a bad thing?
I'm not sure why I'm over analyzing this...
but I guess it's just something on my mind.

I am at Erins house!

And I just went through this whole friggin journal and shit man!
I was a depressed little kitty. And wow there was a lot.

I read my life changing. Through my ELEVEN month crush on Matt Yu!?!?! that I forgot about... to My complete obsessive stage with Nick and My questioning of Matt Gaw. With my friendship of Siobhan and Meghan, Enter Bobby, Nick is gone! Nick is there! We are awesome! We are not. Nina! New school year. Erin! Sio sio sio sio, New group! Jimmy, brandon matt, no nina. Sio sio erin sio. The only constant thing through every entry is Siobhan.

How weird.

and now I am here to say that life is alright.
Siobhan is my best friend.
Erin is also a good friend.
Brandon is my boyfriend.
And Jimmy is my best guy friend, second to b_ran

Getting a D in chem, no job either, no money, totally screwed.

Matt Gaw is... Matt but in college. Once every few months I see him.

Olivia and I are really close lately. Shes the bomb.

Alexa. I really like Alexa. We talk a lot more.\

I hung with her, Brandi, and Ashley. We went creepin' and stopped by andys house?! Which is legal now that he is not staff anymore.... uhm...!?!?!?!

haha. my life is great and bad at the same time.

So tonight i'm going to Brandons to make a Dragon costume with Matt.

You see, we are knighting my friend Jimmy tomorrow. theres a party at Brandons, and it's going to start out like any normal party. You know? Then all of a sudden there will be a DRAGON outside! ((AKA- MVB) which stands for Matt Van Berlo if you didn't already know.) And So Jimmy will slay said dragon, and while this is happening we (meaning everyone else invited to the ceremony) will set up the house for the valiant knights arrival. We have a crown, and a shirt with a coat of arms that Brandon made for Jimmy on it, and he will have a sword, and there shall be a feast and Jimmy will have a fair maiden to stand by his side during the ceremony (which will be Erin Obviously) and he shall be knighted into the bretherin court.

And so we need to get some cardboard boxes and some duct tape for that shit.

Today was alright. I felt shitty, and everyone was like omg stay away you have step! And I was like omfg I'm not contagious anymore. and Brandon has kissed me so much in the past few days regardless and if he doesn't get it then he has one diesel immune system. i really like him. It's sort of weird to me because he is so amazing. and So cute. and so nice? and just a mad chill friend but we're more and It takes me by surprise sometimes becasue I feel like he is too good for me. Like how did I get a guy like him. It just doesn't make sense.

My sister is listing to It wasn't Me by Shaggy. Which I played the other day and now she is obsessed. Why do I do these things to myself...

Alright well I should go nap. So I'm ready for tonights events.

I might pick up siobhan and take her wooo fuckin love Sio. She slapped me in the face today! Becasue of a hickey. and Then she attacked Brandon. Which was really funny.

ALright so my computer isn't as cool as Olivias...

Four Year Strong was amazing. Brandon officially asked me out? It was cute. My sister came and I sang with her and we were really pumped. I think the only thing I didn't like was that I wasn't with Siobhan, but at least she had fun. She was against the barricade! How nasty.

Today was tiring. Faught with my dad the second I woke up, cleaned the house, showered. Then went to Roses' to say Happy Birthday. Left and went to Brandons for Dinner with his family. it was weird meeting his brother. He's sort of intimidating... So we ate. then played games as a family haha funn. Then we went downstairs alone... like Brandon and I are so mega chill and it's weird sort of. But in a good way. Everything we say or do is comfortable and funny and nice even if it would normally be embarrassing. I can be completely myself. COMPLETELY. And He loves and accepts every part of me. and things I would never consider saying or doing is just so easy to say or do with him. It's just eh I don't want to say perfect, but it's really really great.

Whatever.

So we went to Roses' again, and it was AWESOME I was so pumped to see everyone there I like never get to see them and Brandon fit in very well and I was just sosososo Happy. And then I came home and was even early for curfew. And now I'm here talking to Jimmy and Erin.

What a pointless entry... sorry!

Arizona. We're leaving tomorrow night. A week away from my parents! woo! I;m nervous about the trip, I'm always nervous about trips though haha yeah ok.

Today was pretty alright you know?
Christmas and all.
I didn't really ask for anything, I got a webcam, some clothes, some cds, overall it was a chill day. After presents I took like a three hour nap. then around 2:30 I took a shower, got ready, blah blah. I headed to my aunts around 4:30 after watching a smashing episode of Icarly. I got there, and hung out with my cousins.

My sister brought her new macbook, and so I video chatted with Matt Gaw a little, he showed me some things he had gotten and Danny was there. While chatting with him, Brandon showed up. He got like the third degree from half my family but it was nice being able to see him for at least an hour becasue i havent seen him for two days, and wont see him again until saturday (which is the four year strong concert! yeah!)

So saw him for a little, then he went back home for family game night? ha. Then I drove olivia to her friends house, and came back to my aunts. Now I'm sitting on Livs macbook and waiting for my mom to decide to go home so I can drive her since she is under the influence. Haha

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Erin and Jimmy around noon. Chillin for a while, then getting Siobhan becasue tomorrow is also thirsty fest. with Our last night. and and then there were none. but screw them! Siobhan and I are probably leaving early to go to Pauls house for his annual christmas something-or-other. yay! Christmas party and his moms food ughhh yes.

Then Saturday is Four Year Strong. Probably hanging out with Brandon at his or my house, then going to get Siobhan and heading to worcester. Four Year Strong is going to be so nasty I'm mega pumped. Gonna be mega awesome.

Then Sunday is Breakfast with Vicki OR sleepover with Vicki. And thn depending on what I do, the other half of the day will be spent with Brandon OR Jimmy. Jimmy is the man by the way, He hung out with me yesterday morning. We went to barnes and nobles and then got some food and then went to my house and it was awesome and we talked forever.

So basically my friends rule and I'm pumped wooo.

I love my sister macbook omg I'm going to steal it....

Things have their ups and downs, ya know?
And yeah I;m happy I guess.

Brandon and I aren't awkward at all.
I'm so thankful for that becasue I just need him to be my best guy friend right now. I need him to be someone I can really rely on. I depend on him. I suppose since Matt isn't here, he's my dose of testosterone fueled reasoning I guess? It's just different with guys. When you become their best friends. It's better sometimes you know? less complicated, less emotional, and sometimes just what I need. Brandon and I are so alike that it's just simple for us to hang out and be close and be best friends. He's like a Matt gaw, with a hint of Nick thrown in, and then a ton of just Brandon and it's good it's nice. I can see things in him that I cherished in Nick and Matt and he also brings a whole lot to the table that is just him and he really is a fantastic friend. Everything I need right now.

And yeah so I KIND OF like him, but so what? I don't want to date him. We don't need that right now. I need him to be my best friend and that's all. And he's good at that. Good at being there for me when there are things going on with Nina and Siobhan that I just can't talk out with them, or things I feel they don't need to be bothered with. Idk I've been comparing and contrasting friendships with boys, and friendships with girls. They both have their good and bad parts and both of them are needed because neither of them are flawless friendships.

Yeah.

Nick talks to me more. He wished me a happy thanksgiving which was a pleasant surprise. And He talks to me about TV from time to time and even IMs me. And Sometimes I feel like he just does it to show me that he doesn't need me anymore, that he's happy and awesome without me. Because I still care, and ask about his life, and his new friends, and I'm genuinely glad that he is happy! Yet he never asks anything about my life or my friends, and I guess I was expecting him to at least ask out of politeness but maybe that's pushing it I mean talking in general is a huge step for us as. friends? if I can even call us that. I'm not sure I would consider him a friend.

And yeah I still miss him, and us, and what we had, but I don't need him anymore. Not at all. There is nothing he can give me that I actually NEED. Not like before, when I had to have him all the time, When I craved his attention and needed to be around him to be happy. When he was all I thought about for months. Now I don't and I feel so free. I don't need his acceptance. Or apporoval becasue I am who I want to be and I like my life. And I have filled the void he left with Brandon. And yeah, it;s not a perfect fit. I'm not 100% good again. there are still things Nick gave me, or parts of myself that He took away when we split, But i'm alright. I;m happy. My friendship with Brandon is a lot healthier than my friendship with Nick. He doesn't make me sad all the time, I don't worry about what he will think of me if I do a certain thing, and I can be myself and be totally cool and tell him anything and it's cool and just. I don;t worry like I did with Nick. I don't have to not give my oppinions on certain things for fear that he will get mad at me or something. Whatever idk I miss Nick but I don;t Need Nick. You know?

Siobhan and I. I feel as though we are at a different level in our friendship. Like she is a part of me. Everything I know she knows automatically. She knows absolutely everything about me, I'm closer to her than to anybody on the planet. I'm comfotable with her to the point where she can totally rag on me and I don't care! Becasue she's my best friend and I know she doesn;t mean to and it doesn't even bug me most the time becasue it's just Siobhan . I feel like sometimes we are the same person and I don't even know how to describe the connection we have but I've never had anything like it. No matter what I know we will stay close. I really love her a lot, and would do anything for her and just ah she is my best friend. I know I have more than one, but it's not a secret that Siobhan like., is. My best friend ever.

Nina. She's is the person second closest to me in the world. Like, siobhan is on a whole other level. Like Nina is also my best friend. It's just that Siobhan is more than a best friend... like I don't know. Like Nina would be Level One. Which is the highest level, but Siobhan would be like Zero because she's just a whole new level of friendship.

SO I put Nina on Level one. She is like completely the best. I know I can say whatever needs to be said and she will be the most understanding person ever. We get along like we've known eachother forever. She's sort of like a sister to me I think. Like we just idk had an instant connection and I would totally Marry her if I wasn't a straight Woman. We have our rough patches that are hard, and Like. She shuts me out. and I think that is what seperates her from Siobhan. The fact that I have know Siobhan long enough to have broken down all the walls between us. I know Sio better than I know myself. But Nina and I still have a ways to go, and I;m totally willing to go there. And I will wait and fight and not let Nina run away from me becasue I love her.

And then Matt Gaw, well, I'm practically in love with the kid.
So yeah.
Enough said.

Everything just keeps getting worse and worse.

I know I'm going to regret this.

And I can't help myself.

Fuck

Things are good, yet at the same time theyre not.
I just don't understand anymore.
I just want everything to be chill.
And let things flow.
And not worry about this or that or anything idk

I just dont get why there are so many rules.
So much to watch out for.

So good, yet not good enough.

Don't hurt yourself, or him?

But to be honest, do what you really think will leave you happiest becasue it may sound selfish, and inconsiderate, but your happiness comes first. Before his happiness. Before anyones.

Honestly?
I have a bad feeling about this.
I have since you started telling me about how you think of other guys.
like, idk, it just seems wrong?
I love you babe.
SO much.
You know that.

and I'm here for you.
Idk how I can help but I will be here whenever you need a shoulder to lean on.

<3333333333

Alright I'm going to be optomisitic about this.


So. people like me, and I don't like it.
Weird, huh?
But I don't want anyone to like me except...
Blah so obvious I shouldn't even have to say it.

I'm not sure how things are going to turn out.
Three of them?
what am I going to do!
If it makes the group awkward I'm going to die.
It will be all my fault haha

And I feel bad for them I mean.
I feel bad for anyone that likes me.
I'm hopelessly stuck on someone already,
and even though it's never going to happen,
I'm going to stay stuck for a little while more.

It's getting a lot better, but when it comes to that point where I ask myself, "Do I really have feelings for this kid more than friends?" It's always no. because I'm not capable of having feelings for them. I'm always looking at guys, wanting one to come and just sweep me up. save me. but whenever something gets started I just. Can't. Can't get into it. can't commit. Because I'm already committed. To the one person who won't give me the time of day.

I'm not sure how much more I can take.
How much sadness I can keep hiding.
I don't know how much more I can handle.
The tightning feeling I get in my chest.
The feeling of my heart like, constricting and aching.
The feeling of just sadness. regret. depression. denial.
Rejection.
And you would think it would fade, get easier, it's been months.
Months since new years.
New years I had it all and still I was scared.

I made my first mistake minutes after 2008 had started.
I stood there, not even a foot from him.
And he loved me. I loved him.
And I just wanted to stay there for so long.
And then I turned and walked away quickly.
So scared.

And he was the one person I should have never been scared of.

And since then 2008 has been one big mistake.
Everything, a mistake.
sure amazing things have happened!
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my friends and my life.
I made so many new friends that are awesome.

But no matter how many new ones I get it won't ever make up for the one I lost.
So dramatic blah blah.

And these guys won't leave me alone!
I try so hard to just accept them and get to know them
to give them a chance
and I can't everything about them is wrong they're not him!
And I don't even get what they see in me.
I never get what people see in me.

blah blah

We were so perfect.
and I'm done making mistakes.

Now it's his choice.
I'm here and hes done with me.
Like, I know one day it will hit him.
How he had me, and rejected me just like I rejected him.
Yet, he could have fixed it. and he didn't.
He tried, well, is trying to just get back at me. protect himself sub conciously.
And seriously.
Get over it and love me already.

I'll never love someone like this.
Well, I may love more. or less.
But nothing will be the same.

Haha I like talked myself out of my bad mood.
Which is good, it's what this is here for.
yeah?

Like, I'm done being in denial.
I was for so long and it just hurt.
So hey

I love him.
always will o0o0o0o shocker

And like dude cool.
Hopefully, I'll be able to move on soon.
And get out of this weird like limbo I'm in.
I need two things. For someone to pull me out, or for him to pull me back in.
Either way this in between thing just ain't working.

haha ah.
I should be happy you know.
Some people don't even get to have the experience of having a friendship like ours. like yeah it was flawed but man, we ruled. for a time. and in a way we still do cuz hes still nick frederico and im still alex marchioni and we were amazing together, and maybe were just as amazing apart but who knows.

am I even making sense?
Whatever.
I don't even care if the whole world knows this.
I love him!
And he doesn't believe me and I'm oddly ok with that.
Ok with the fact that I told him how I felt, and gave him the choice to take it or leave it.
He decided to leave it.
What am I going to do?
Go cry and cut in a corner?
No.
Because I'm better than that, I'm stronger than that.
And that's one thing this mistake has taught me.
I am strong. In my own way.

So now that this rambling is done.
I have to go get ready for work.
I hope to look on this a couple months from now and be like
well said Alexandiaaaa well said.

haha I'm so lame.

You've been there for me more than anyone you know.
You've saved my sanity, and saved me from doing stupid things so many times haha

I appreciate you so much like you can't even begin to fathom.


I just,
Don't have words to describe it.
You always know what to say to make me feel totally better about everything.


ahhhh thank you!
haha
yeah
=]

I'm just scared for you.
And worried.